He loves me … he loves me not … if only finding the answer were as
simple as plucking petals off a flower. So what makes it so hard to
determine if a man truly loves you?
A lot of us have ideas about what love should be,
what it should look like, and how it should feel. A lot of the time
these ideas are plain wrong (we can thank romantic comedies for that).
Because of that, some of us might not recognize the real thing when it
comes our way. Maybe it’s because of these grand visions of love that
have been implanted in our minds, but it could also be the result of
being burned too many times in the past and having walls up when it
comes to either giving love or being able to receive it.
The point is, love is a tricky thing. A guy can say he loves you and not truly mean it, and a guy can love you a lot
but not be ready to say it. Love, as beautiful as it is, can also be
scary, and a lot of us keep our guard up until we’re sure he feels a
certain way in order to keep from getting hurt. As the saying goes,
before you fall in love, make sure there is someone there to catch you.
The trouble with this is that when you get caught up in trying to figure
out if a man loves you, you can no longer be present in the
relationship. Instead of connecting, you are stuck in your own worried
thoughts, and those thoughts produce fears and insecurities that
ultimately block you from getting the love you want.
So how do you know if a man is truly in love with you? If he shows these 11 signs, then it’s pretty safe to say he is.
1. The way he looks at you.
He looks at you like
you’re a unicorn, like he can’t believe you exist. He may even come
right out and tell you, “I can’t believe someone like you exists.” It
isn’t a look of lust and desire. Instead, it’s marked by a certain awe,
serenity, and inner calm. It’s a look reserved only for you. It’s not
only the way he looks at you; it’s the frequency. He can’t stop looking
at you; whether you’re together or across the room from each other, his
gaze will always be oriented toward you.
2. He wants to give to you.
Real love is about giving, not taking. This is why parents typically
love their children more than their children love them. You would think
it would be the opposite. From birth through our teenage years (and
sometimes beyond!) kids take and parents give. Every parent will tell
you that you never know real love until you have a child, and that’s
because this kind of love is all about giving.
When you love someone, you want to give that person everything you
have. This isn’t about material possessions. You want to give by being
the best you can, you want to make them happy, to enhance their life,
you want to do things for them that will make them happy.
Love isn’t merely a feeling; it’s a verb and it comes across in
actions. The biggest action that indicates a man loves you is when he
gives you all he can.
QUIZ: Does He Love Me?
3. He treats you like a priority.
Everyone is busy; we all have work or school or other commitments.
When a man loves you, he will make spending time with you a priority.
And if he really doesn’t have time, he’ll make sure to let you know when
he will. When a man loves you, you’re the most important person in his
life and he makes sure to carve out a place in it for you.
4. He wants to immerse himself in your life.
He wants to meet your family and all of your friends, and he really
wants them to like him. He makes an effort to get to know them and make a
good impression. He wants to know all about your passions and hobbies
and tries to connect to these areas of your life as much as possible.
At the same time, he
also wants to immerse you in his life and for you to meet all of his
people. He wants you to be best friends with everyone he’s close to and
he wants the people in his life to love you the way he does.
More than that, he includes you in his bigger life plan. He doesn’t
speak about the future vaguely; instead he makes it clear that he
envisions a future with you in it.
5. He really sees you.
He notices things about you that others don’t (maybe he even sees
things that you don’t!) He notices how you interact with others, how
people feel in your presence, how your mind works, how you process
emotions, how you express yourself. He pays attention to all the little
details and he remembers them. He appreciates the full scope of who you
are, the good and the bad.
He doesn’t just love you, he loves things
about you. Really
loving people doesn’t mean you love the way they make you feel (although
many people believe that’s what love is), it’s about loving them as
they are at their core. This sort of love has nothing to do with how
good that person makes you feel about yourself. That’s not to say
someone you love can’t or won’t make you feel good about yourself, but
you can’t truly love people only because they make you feel good. That’s
a very selfish kind of love, a love that feeds your need to feel good
in the moment, not a life-changing, deep love.
When someone really sees you, he sees not just everything you are but
everything you want to be, and he’ll let you know when you’re falling
short. The catch? This may actually make you feel bad about yourself. If
you’re being a jerk to strangers, treating a friend poorly, or not
living up to your obligations somehow, someone who loves you will let
you know. It may not feel good, but it’s a sign that he really sees you,
all of you, and cares about you. (I go into greater depth on this in my
article on what no one tells you about being in a good relationship.)
6. Your happiness is as important to him as his own.
Your happiness
may be even more important! When you love someone, really love someone,
their happiness is your happiness. This is especially true for men who
need to feel like they can make a woman happy. If you tell him that
something makes you unhappy and he keeps doing it, this is not a sign
that he’s in love with you. A man who loves you will avoid doing things
that make you unhappy and will learn the things will make you happy, and
he’ll make an effort to do those things.
7. He misses you when you’re apart.
Men typically fall in love in a woman’s absence, not her presence. A
man can shower you with all the love in the world while he’s with you,
because it’s nice to be with someone else and to connect and be
affectionate, but what is he like when he’s not with you? Does he miss
you? Does he make an effort to reach out? Or does he disappear for days on end and then tell you he’s sorry, he’s just been “super swamped?”
When you love someone, you yearn for their presence and miss them
when they’re gone. It doesn’t mean you are constantly thinking about
them every waking minute, because that would be an unhealthy obsession,
not love, but the thought of them always lingers in the background.
Things remind you of them, something happens and you want to tell them,
you just feel a constant connection even when you’re apart. He’ll be in
touch, he’ll send you funny things he finds online or links to articles
he thinks you’d like, or he’ll tell you about something funny that
happened to him that he thought you’d appreciate.
8. He keeps you in the loop.
I remember very early in my relationship with my husband I knew he
really cared about me because he would always keep me in the loop, even
when it wasn’t necessary. For instance, before our third date I texted
him to confirm the time and he didn’t respond for about 45 minutes and
when he did he apologized for the delay and said he was out with friends
and not checking his phone. I don’t consider 45 minutes to be that
significant of a time lag and didn’t need the explanation, but it made
me feel cared for and it showed me that he considered me someone
important and didn’t want me to think that something else was more
important. He would do considerate things like that constantly, and
that’s how I knew he loved me long before he even said it.
When a guy loves you, he won’t ever leave you hanging. He’ll keep you
informed about what he’s up to, not because he has to, but because he
wants to.
9. He’s there for you even when it’s inconvenient.
Being in love is
easy when everything is going great and it’s all smooth sailing, but
what happens when you hit a rough patch, or when you need him? How does
he respond when there is a problem, when he needs to be there for you
even if there are other things he would rather be doing? Love is
other-focused; it’s not about one’s own needs and desires, it’s about
factoring in someone else. When a man loves you, nothing will be more
important than being there for you when you need him. It may not always
be his ideal scenario, but he’ll step up and be there.
10. He doesn’t give up.
He puts his all into the relationship and really commits to making it
work. When you love someone, you don’t quit without a fight. I remember
in the beginning of my relationship with my husband, a lot of my
deep-seated relationship fears started bubbling to the surface. I had
been blindsided by breakups in the past; I’d had men tell me they loved
me and then they left me. It’s hard to just forget such things and wipe
the slate clean. Even though this relationship was totally different
from anything else I’d ever experienced, those fears lingered. I
remember one conversation where I brought this up to him, and he told me
that if this relationship didn’t last, it would be a mutual parting and
we would both see it coming. He wasn’t going to just leave; he was
going to put in everything he had. He did and so did I, and fortunately
it all worked out!
MORE: 10 Signs He’s a Keeper
If a man says he loves you but doesn’t want to try anymore, or gives
up because he thinks it’s too hard, then it probably wasn’t real love.
You don’t give up on love unless you have put everything you have into
making it work, and it was just impossible (and this is something that
both people will usually be able to clearly recognize). There are
obviously times where someone can truly love you, but because you’re
just not right for each other, or maybe because you aren’t willing to
put in the necessary effort, that he will walk away even though he loves
you, but only after giving it his all.
11. You don’t worry how he feels—you just know.
Similar to what I said in my article about how to know if a guy likes you,
when a guy love you, you just know. It’s obvious to you and to everyone
around you. You’ll have a feeling of peace and calm and just knowing.
When someone truly loves you, his behavior and way of being with you
won’t arouse feelings of insecurity/fear/anxiety/worry in you. If you
yourself are emotionally healthy and not prone to having these feelings
all the time with men, no matter how they treat you, then those sorts of
feelings are usually generated in you when you can tell that he doesn’t
really know how he feels about you; maybe sometimes it seems like he
loves you, but most of the time it doesn’t. When someone loves you, he
shows it and you just know it, even before he says it.
